Rethinking Self-Sacrifice as a Core Value for Physicians
I was sitting in my spiritual director’s office one day early in my career as a pediatrician. I explained how busy I was all the time doing good work for others. I had been given the privilege of being a doctor and felt a moral imperative to put the needs of others before my own—even to my own detriment. I believed the religious tradition I was raised in not only valued this drive for self-sacrifice, it demanded it of all “good Christians.” That moral imperative, combined with the expectations of senior physicians during my training, led me to seek validation and accolades from those I helped—and those who witnessed my efforts.
The only problem was I felt completely alone, anxious, and unable to engage in mutual relationships not based on helping others and receiving appreciation in return. My “solution” to that disconnection?
More work.
I became stuck in a cycle of self-sacrificial giving as a way of earning the love and connection I longed for—always confused why it led only to more burnout and more isolation.
Many of my physician coaching clients name service, altruism, and helping others as core values. But few, if any, would identify self-sacrifice as one of them. And yet, like me, many were raised with this value, had it reinforced during medical training, and continue to live it every day.
How does this show up in daily life?
Agreeing to see patients who show up late—because it probably wasn’t their fault.
Checking on your patients during your days off distracting you from being present to your family.
Giving out your personal cell number “just in case.”
Staying late to help a colleague even though you’re already exhausted.
Accepting leadership roles you don’t really want just because no one else volunteered.
I know these behaviors because I’ve done them all—over and over. None of them are wrong in isolation, and under some circumstances I’d do them again. Some of them aren’t even choices anymore—they’re requirements and built into the culture we work in . But when they start interfering with our health, relationships, or sense of self, they become dangerous. That’s when self-sacrifice crosses into burnout, resentment, illness, and disconnection.
So how can you tell when meeting others’ needs is hurting your own?
Start by noticing:
Physical signs: Total body exhaustion, muscle tension, jaw clenching, chest tightness, abdominal discomfort.
Emotional signs: Resentment, judgment, anxiety, fear of saying “no” or getting into trouble.
Mental signs: Feeling like you have no choice, thinking “no one else can do it right,” or believing this will earn you approval or validation.
How do you stay committed to service and care without abandoning yourself?
Pause to consider whether you actually have a choice in saying “no.” Is it really required—or just assumed?
Reflect on where your belief in self-sacrifice came from. Is it truly your value—or something inherited?
Consider when your “yes” to others becomes a “no” to your family, friends, or your own well-being.
Practice setting small limits—like expressing your opinion rather than always deferring.
Use simple scripts like, “I’d love to help, but I have a previous commitment I can’t cancel.” That commitment might be rest, exercise, or simply being present at home.
When you realize you’ve defaulted to self-sacrifice, offer yourself compassion. These patterns are deep—they take time to rewire.
I still fall into old patterns. But now I recognize them sooner. I pause. I reflect. And I decide—more consciously—whether this is truly a choice I want to make.
It all started with the compassionate words of my spiritual director. After I described my drive to always sacrifice for others, he smiled and said gently:
“Climb down off the cross, Joe. It’s already been done.”
Does any of this feel familiar?
Do you get caught in the cycle of over-giving and under-restoring?
If so, I’d love to talk with you. Coaching can help you stay true to your values without sacrificing yourself and your family in the process.
Be kind to yourself.
— Dr. Joe
If you or someone else you know is experiencing burnout, overwhelm, or seeking direction in their career, I would love to talk about how coaching can transform your life. Just contact me at joe@joeshermanmd.com or schedule a free video consultation.