The Trap of Living Up to Expectations
This month, I'm writing about the expectations many of us inherit along with our love of medicine: the ones our parents handed down, the ones we absorbed along the way, and the ones that can outlive the people who gave them to us. It's a reflection drawn from my own family and my coaching practice, and it centers on one question: whose expectations am I still trying to meet?
I recently read an article about a physician who followed his physician father into medicine, inspired by the way his father devoted himself to his patients. He wrote proudly that his own son is now in medical school and will become the family's third generation of physicians.
This is not an uncommon story. Many physicians have parents and other family members who have instilled upon them the privilege and fulfillment that medicine provides as a profession. They watch these older role model physicians and decide they want to follow in their footsteps.
My story was a little different. I was the youngest of 7 children. My father worked for the U.S. Postal Service and my mom stayed at home to raise us. Neither of them had the opportunity to go to college but they instilled in all of us the values of hard work, service, academic achievement, and frugality. Those values served us well. Every one of us who wanted to attend college did, and we went on to advanced degrees and professional success.
There were no doctors in my family, not even anyone remotely connected to healthcare. Yet, I saw medicine as a way to make my mark in the world differently than any of my older siblings and, perhaps to exceed my parents’ greatest expectations.
Whether we are following in the footsteps of family members who came before us or fulfilling the dreams of parents who never had the chance, we carry their values into a profession with one of the most rigorous training experiences there is.
Along with the pride of achieving such success, we also take on the mantel of high expectations, an exaggerated sense of responsibility, and putting our patients’ needs ahead of our own and our families’. This leads to constant comparison to an ideal that, in today’s healthcare system, is no longer attainable and often leads to burnout.
I work with physicians who are still trying to live up to their parents' expectations, or to expectations they have internalized, long after their parents have passed away.
Our parents lived in a time when society placed physicians on a pedestal. In return for undying dedication to their patients, physicians received accolades, financial success, and forgiveness for their absences. Today’s society no longer supports such status. There are many professions which command a much higher income than medicine. Physicians have life partners who also desire to pursue their own careers and aren’t simply content with supporting their physician-spouses’ careers. Our modern healthcare system diminishes physician autonomy and demands that physicians handle an abundance of administrative tasks that either didn’t exist before or were handled by support staff.
If we continue to strive to meet these unrealistic expectations, we risk more than burnout. We also risk chronic anxiety and depression. I’ve seen this first-hand in my coaching clients and participants in the Physicians Anonymous support groups I facilitate.
So, what can be done to break this cycle?
Perhaps the first step isn’t lowering our standards. It is becoming more conscious of which standards we have chosen—and which ones we simply inherited. If we are trying to be all things to all people because that’s what we saw in our role models, we must face the realization that this is no longer healthy or even possible to sustain. Burned-out physicians can't give compassionate, quality care to their patients, and they have nothing left over to give to their families.
We can begin to notice the internal voice telling us we should be able to do more. We can practice setting limits, even when doing so risks disappointing someone. And we can offer ourselves the same compassion we would extend to someone we love who is struggling under the weight of impossible expectations.
I’m sure that the physician in the article has a father who is extremely proud of him and his son. I know my parents were extremely proud of me even though they passed away before I became a doctor.
None of our parents wanted us to become burned out or exhausted from trying to live up to some expectation, real or imagined. And, even if they did, we owe it to ourselves not to pass this burden onto those who come after us.
What expectations are you still trying to live up to – and are they still serving you?
With Compassion,
-Dr. Joe
Pediatrician, Physician Professional Development Coach, Retreat Facilitator
Whether you are facing uncertainty, burnout, seeking direction, or striving for greater fulfillment in your career, know that support is available. If you or someone you know could benefit from coaching, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore how to transform challenges into opportunities for personal and professional growth.
Contact me at joe@joeshermanmd.com or schedule a free video consultation.
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